Bootcut Jeans, salmon shirt
I have a skin routine and my elbows hurt
I don't give blood... because I won't give blood

Bought a tarantula from a Swedish guy
He helped me out in Stockholm with a DUI
And I stalk Ian Brown when he comes to town

I stole cocaine off my nephews friend
I did it with the fellas at the A.G.M
And Eleanor from A&R refused me again
So I did that thing at the Holiday Inn

My wife sells cheese on the Internet -
I think about her sister when we're intimate
Her family and friends, they don't like me anymore
Cause I threatened all her brothers with an antique sword

I'm your dad's best friend, your dad's best friend
We're taking him to Holland for the long weekend
He never had a stag, he never had a stag
We're taking him to Amsterdam and making him a man

Your dad's best friend, your dad's best friend
We're doing ketamine up in the Netherlands
He never had a stag, he never had a stag
I'm taking him to Amsterdam and buying him a bag
I watch gay porn in my garden shed
I lie to everybody that my father's dead
I smell like Joop... my son has croup
Picking up the hooker that I like the best
Crying on her toilet cause my life's a mess
I'm sleeping in the office cause my wife's depressed
I'm heating streaky bacon in a trouser press

I am your dad's best friend, your dad's best friend
I'm taking him to Holland for the long weekend
He never had a stag, he never had a stag
I'm taking him to Amsterdam and making him a man

Your dad's best friend, your dad's best friend
We're doing ketamine up in the Netherlands
And maybe when you've children of your own
You'll be praying for a best friend just like me