[Round 1: Chedda Cheese]
After this battle, you'll still be sad a week later
You can wear this, but you still never seen a Cheese GREATER!
He's REAL SAD that it's not a costume battle!
Couldn't wait to mask up and lose
All your battles getting lackluster views
Now you're hoping for some sort of a gimmick in every match-up you do
Wishing you were someone else
Bad luck, my dude!
You're still just yourself...and that sucks for you!
When it comes to themed battles, I don't like a thing about it
But I guess it IS a themed battle, if you think about it
'Cause this is rookie versus veteran, student versus sensei
This is Lil Yachty versus Kendrick on his best day!
This a bottom-tier, no-name kid with bad humor
Versus someone who needed a free trip to Vancouver!
But if you think that means I'm going easy on you, keep dreamin'
I treat it like Game 6, even if it's preseason
We're not the same, stop trippin'
My style's a lot different
Got a pen so cold that all my fingers frostbitten!
You soft as soft mittens
Soft as soft kittens
Soft as soft linen
You never been...caught slippin'
I-I never-
No, I never been caught slippin'!
The plot thickens
Time to step your game up: the clock's tickin'
My style's too smooth: the sauce won't stop drippin'! Woo!
Nerdy white guys like us gotta STOP using gun bars and do what we do
But if anyone's qualified to do it, it's you
Look, I didn't want to expose your troubled past, but I'm feeling compelled to
He used to do some dirty work that nobody would tell you
Pull up at his window, he got something to sell you
Like, "Welcome to Tim Hortons! How may I help you?"
So quit rapping like a gangster! That's called appropriation
Just a bunch of gun bars and really bad word association
He'll probably say something like:
"I'll have you slipping from the jump like Vaseline on a trampoline
The magazine 'bout to peel your lid like a can of beans!"
Man, every line I drop is like a lighter in a can of gasoline
You're just handing out those little bars
That's how you know it's Halloween!
[Round 1: Illipsis + Willie B]
He wanna say I worked at Tim Hortons
This shit is trouble from the jump
I got that one-two prep: that's a DOUBLE DOUBLE in his MUG!
I said, I'm coming off of Real Deal
That's a discount I was offering them
This time, they offered a little cheddar to top an awesome event
First, they ask, "Are you about the Cheese?"
I told 'em, "I got mouths to feed"
And God-dammit, gang, this is not what I meant!
But still, it's off with his head, you on a stark losin' streak
Plus, it looks like you been trapped inside a harsh puberty!
So, in a battle or a scrap, fuck could this mark do to me!?
Shit, I'm just meetin' Cheese bored: that's charcuterie
Let's go! Off rim!
I should charge you a fee? Or just harm you for free
You looking Dallas Buyers Club, and it ain't Mark Cuban's team
Smack bud, he act chummy: you just shark food to me
Project a bitch, your head get lit up like an R2 machine
But violent bars ain't quite as hard for sick kids or thin zombies
So, what I brew could still get dark through a filter like drip coffee
Can't bear you talking: soft as corduroy and been scrawny
Dawg, how the fuck have you got Morty's voice and Rick's body!?
I don't know...
I said, shit, if Chedd' pop off, I'm grippin' Chekhov's Glock
He pack it in, then run out quick as Szechuan sauce
So, you gon' try to test me how?
You 'bout 97 pounds!
Georgie running for the grates? Great! A child gets to drown
Whatever floats your boat
It costs an arm, and I'll take my percentage now
How dare he wake me!? It could kill him, thinking I was just a clown
The pen, he wisely set it down
I could rhyme forever now
I'm thinking 27 years...but it's 90-second rounds
Like, wow...90 seconds
Man, your time is precious
Would be a real shame if I said nothing...this entire sentence!
I mean, I kinda get it: in shorter sessions, you're great
But then it goes bad once Cheese exceeds his best-before date
'Cause then, you start to see the mold
But Chedda's fans, they can't tell
Every battle's the fucking same
They noticed that, they'd raise Hell
'Cause even average brain cells start to catch a strange smell
Which, in turn, betrays the fact that Cheddar hasn't aged well!
He's got flashes of brilliance, but in a limited quantity
Then blames short rounds on his perfectionism, and probably
Hew, omitting his policy of persistent monotony
Twisting pop song formulas and derivative mockery with diminishing novelty
Into dad jokes about bed-wetting and nose-picking for comedy
Like, "Yup! That Cheddar's a real stickler for quality!"
So, watch that bland veneer dissolve
I can get inside his mind
Since he can only stand to hear his flaws 90 seconds at a time
Can barely write, you're just a clown
I'm thinking, "Yikes! I get it now!"
So, I think you'll find that Chedda proudly begs for 90-second rounds...
'Cause that ain't even enough time to complain-
TIME!!!
Let's go!
{Round 2: Chedda Cheese]
Your hair...is very sweaty and crusty!
MMMMessy and dusty!
Smmmmelly and musty!
You probably think he's dirty blonde, right?
Look a little closer and compare...
Turns out he's just a blonde guy with really dirty hair!
He never showers, can't afford it probably
Short and stocky, sorta sloppy
Dwarf with a contorted body
Smelling like a Porta-Potty
Catch him hanging out at Shambhala, trying to find drugs
Head in the clouds like the Mile-High Club!
Man, I'm a Costco Gold member!
You got a face like Goldmember!
Looks like you've taken more shots to the grill than a goaltender!
Plus, you're more nervous around women than ME! How tragic is THAT!?
We tried to pick up chicks together, we were having a blast!
He said, "I'm secretly a pimp. I just happen to rap!
Watch me pick up these girls, and take 'em back to my flat!"
You can imagine how fast that plan managed to crash
We both went home with nothing but a pat on the back!
Shoulda seen how they were laughing at Nat
He tried to formulate a plan of attack, but he had a panic attack!
Man, your game's too weak! You're not built for the landscape
Can't even handle a handshake
His lips tremble, and his hands shake!
One glance got him weak in the knees like Derrick Rose
Trying to take a girl home from the bar, but his parents drove
Yet there he goes, trying to talk to some chick that he barely knows
Only girl you've ever dated had dreads and hairy toes!
And that's it...Time!
[Round 2: Illipsis + Chedda Cheese]
I said, he mentioned hairy toes, and that's something unique
That's just 'cause it's looking a little fuzzy when it comes to defeat!
Defeat bars!
Said I was uninspired, fucking tired 'bout that cheese he spit
You doing double-time, balling up your preteen fists
I asked the homies for a plate, and you feed me this?
I'll still come alive in a round for The Culture: that's a petri dish
I heard Cheese, he's pissed! Yeah, they said he got mean
Hoo, Cheddar Bob, please! You an extra-soft geek
This could turn into a roast if Cheddar said he got beef
It's Gastown, so if I clock him, I'm just letting off steam
I mean, that constant self-improvement? I'm about mine
I been steady stepping up in Van': I'm on a Grouse grind
And you don't know about that
The pronounced climb...or, by the looks of things, going outside in your downtime!
Wow, I don't think that lack of sun is really helping ya
How he Chedda Cheese when you looking more Philadelphia?
I'm saying you're thin, fucking Tapeworm Jim!
'Cause your heredity collected these defective genes
To leave a specimen recessive features, rendered weak
At home, your bed has fleas because the rent is cheap
I'm saying you the perfect type to spread disease! Vector, please!
Looking like a balloon animal of an STD
Or the world's only four-legged centipede!
Looking like you rep a region where the meth is free
You're just associated with the rock like Memphis Bleek!
Start offending me, the recipe for Rest in Peace
Have him walking with a heavy lean like it was Texas tea
DNA appear: I'm letting that machete squeeze!
'Cause I see Chedda Cheese and go on a SHREDDING SPREE!
Remember Recess, and Randall? He as sneaky as that
Shit, it ain't even a battle when there's a scheme in his pad!
You looking snitchy, it makes sense his eyes as beady as that
'Cause if you seeing Cheese in the trap, you probably dealing with rats!
Think Peter Rasputin: he'd turn to steal in a scrap
Coyote, he cross the line, and then I'm sneaking him back
I said, if dawg ain't roll over, tell him, "Speak with the hands"
Like I was Cesar Milan in an obedience class!
And speaking of THAT, Chedda, your chick gave a spare key to me
She was expecting the dick, but not bare decency
I should get him the pics, only fair he should see...
I've been renting her crib on Airbnb
What, you thought I smashed? There's still room for Hell to freeze
Dawg, YOU would have to pay me...and still use some elbow grease
If I run a train on her backside, it could boost her self-esteem
But that's just 'cause the backside's a caboose, and how it moves itself is steam
I'm cooking!
I'm engineering his demise, while the kid's starry-eyed
This joker go off the rails: it's how Chris Farley died
Got a blade or a screwdriver, let that shit carve inside
I'm leaving Cheese full of holes: I got a SWISS-ARMY KNIFE!!
I'm saying Cheese could get cut like a vegan diet
For kicking something weak in the pit: Leonidas
Sweet as science, ready
Cheddar better speak in silence
I'm a librarian: better book here, or just keep it quiet
It's Monster Madness, and I turn into a wolf beneath an eggshell moon
Just came to open up the card for someone sick, homie: Get Well Soon!
That's two!

[Round 3: Chedda Cheese + Illipsis]
I could sell cheese to a VEGAN!
That's how you know I hustle hard
You wanna tussle? Spar?
Leavin' every scuffle with my knuckles scarred
Not really, but I could still take your girl with just a couple bars
I don't need a muscle car
Look how big my muscles are!
I tried to send your chick a pic of my biceps, thinking she'd vibe with it
But it told me that the file exceeded the size limit!
It's all good, though!
She saw it in person, the next day when I was cruisin' past, movin' fast
Windows down like my computer crashed!
Whoo! Dawg!
I got three million wins, no losses like I'm Super Hot Fire
You look like someone shrunk your clothes in a super-hot dryer!
I'm on every woman's Christmas wish list: your mistress next
I'm on a business trip, I'm feeling citrus-fresh
The shit I miss with is better than Illipsis' best
Your paper tells me that you're basic: that's a litmus test!
See, I was chilling with your girl, top bunk, feeling cuddly
You came home right as we were getting drunk, drinking bubbly
You walked in, and I hid underneath the bed like some drug dealer money
All you saw was Cheese stains on the floor: call the rug-cleaning company!
And I would end this with my catchphrase, but that's just too easy to sell
I'd rather speak from the soul, let 'em feel what I felt
So, no more catchphrase for me, I don't need any help
Don't need a slogan when your name already speaks for itself
Time!
SIKE!
Wait-wait-wait!
SIKE! You think I'd ever really quit this!? Never!
I'll die knowing no one ever did this better!
I'll be laying in my grave, screaming, "CH-CH-CHEDDA!!!"

[Round 3: Illipsis]
I said, they fucked up
Booking what they thought was Chedda vers' Yung Mozzarella
'Cause really, what you got was Tesla vers' a stick-figure drawing of a lost placenta
But I'm a rebel against the clones like Saw Gerrera
So, we could still dance for kicks like capoeira
But, dawg, you'll never be in the Top Ten, Cheese
'Cause you ain't even named after a top ten cheese!
I say, I go in, I blew past 'cause your content's brief
For me to eat him, it's good defense when he drop them schemes
I prove alone I'm a monster, jack your complex themes
Four in, I'm the G.O.A.T, Cheese! This a fait accompli!
So, in battles or in music, watch your progress freeze
He try to craft singles, it turn out overly processed, Cheese!
It's been a slice!
I could keep mocking your parody music
But I prefer to go in on what a parody dude is
'Cause that nerd rap formula got me extra bitter
You distilled a herb zest, and thinned to a perfected tincture
Exaggerated traits seem to affect the mixture
So, no matter what you say, Cheese, yeah, we get the picture!
You take self-deprecating angles, and then hurl 'em at a wall
You're an actor playing possum, now the curtain getting called
Because that utter lack of spine, that isn't nerdiness at all
Your persona's the equivalent of curling in a ball!
So the flyer design's heat, but not as honest as it should be
'Cause Cody's not the only one showing up in costume as a pussy!
Yeah! That's why Carter's your buddy now!
Y'all bringing irony back!
And these pussies joined at the hip: well, they're some Siamese cats!
When they rap, it's "HugTitles"
The team's blueprint is blatant
They parody Roc and Surf, 'cause "Cheese Unit" was taken!
And they both call their fans "friends"
It ain't a term ingratiating them
Really, it's affirming their relationship
Your fans consist solely of your personal acquaintances!
Plus, doing double-time rap is a gift that he does
So, I'm trying to tap my way into the stuff
See, I'm hiding a trap in the rhythm
With nothing disguising the fact that there isn't a punch!
WOO!
I said, you're a parody nerd, making parody rap
Doing parody battles to parody that
Right before teaming up with a parody cat
And a parody team for their parody fans
You make up for the skills you apparently lack
Being nice in a sport you do terribly at
So, potential opponents aware of the fact
You're left facing someone they can barely attack!
It's apparent he's nothing but parody stacks
So, his own lack of skill is inherently matched
Due to mimicking form, and then parrot it back
So, you have the same talent a parakeet has
Between you and me, the disparities vast
[*stumbles*]
I put care in my craft...apparently!
And prepare it from scratch, 'cause there's no way that Chedda can parody THAT!
'Cause you're Degrassi, I'm demonic: I swear allegiance to Hell
Could be a parody of Drake when you paraplegic as well!
Your songs, style, friends, fans make it very easy to tell
There's nothing REAL about you, leaving a parody of yourself
And no one even cares that I beat you
Take this parody of an L!
That's three!