[Verse 1]
I've been self-diagnosing all of my problems
Carrying all my stress in the jaw
I've got all sorts of health products
Aspirin and robo, and my new skin care wash

[Bridge 1]
It couldn't be excessive caffeine
Dehydration or lack of sleep
I need something real heavy

Woooooaaa!

[Verse 2]
I've been banging my head to the beat of trauma
Cynic and bandage by natural law
I've got all sorts of beauty products
Face-paint and polish, resistant to the wash

[Bridge 2]
Now I don't trust my Tylenol
To save my ass when I mess up

Now I doubt my neti pot
Could even clear up all my snot
I need to fix myself
Wooooaaaa!

[Verse 3]
I've been self-diagnosing all of my problems
Carrying all my stress in the jaw
I've got all sorts of beauty products
Face-paint and polish, resistant to the wash

[Bridge 2]
Now I don't trust my Tylenol
To save my ass when I mess up

Now I doubt my neti pot
Could even clear up all my snot
I need to fix myself

WOOOOAAAA!